School is back in session and families are returning to their routines. Some welcome this return while others dread the logistics this adds especially for families of divorce. The stress of co-parenting can be impactful on a quiet day, but add to it emails with changes to the soccer practice time, trying to figure out what day Johnny has saxophone lessons, or completing yet another form with doctor and emergency information filled in before Suzy can join in the fun and the stress could derail the most level-headed of parents.
So how can you set yourself up for success and avoid having the stress spill over to the children? Here are some tips we can all remember, but even more so when the parents are divorced, when we get overwhelmed by the day-to-day work and joy of parenting:
- Try to think of your Spouse or Ex as a business partner.
The marriage may not have worked but you can still be great parenting partners. Share the same important goal of raising the children successfully, remove emotions, work together and respect each other’s decisions. Stay focused on your shared goal. - Keep track of expenses.
Find a way that works for you. Maybe it’s He pays for soccer, She pays for dance, maybe it’s funding a joint account that only gets used of agreed upon child expenses, but set up expectations early and check in often (monthly or quarterly) so a small issue does not become big issue. - If you can’t bear to talk face to face, find other ways to communicate.
There is no lack of methods of communication available these days. Phone calls, emails, texts and even co-parenting apps are all much less expensive and healthier alternatives to having the lawyers write a letter each time there is a need. For some substantive conflicts, legal advise is appropriate, but everyone’s goal, including the Judge and the lawyers, is to see the parents address issues directly to reestablish a working level of trust and communication. - Be flexible with the kids’ time.
It’s not easy to hear your child say he want to spend Christmas with dad — or that she’d rather head to dinner with mom. As painful as it may be, you have to make your peace with it. Remember, if it’s painful for you, how painful is it for that child when his or her world has changed and they have limited control over that change? - Keep your kids’ teachers informed.
The makeup of your blended family may make perfect sense to you, but it’s probably a lot harder for your kids’ teachers, sport coaches and music instructors to wrap their heads around. They may make a mistake, but do your best to fill them in. It will eliminate possible embarrassment and the need for your child to explain. - Make sure your kids have all the essentials they need at both houses.
While there are financial considerations to how far you go with this, be smart. No need to think about a toothbrush or pajamas at every exchange. Set yourself up for success, don’t look for a reason to fight. Then you can concentrate on what really matter.